


Grand Theft Artefact

by Dabberdees



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Boy learnt some history, F/F, Formalwear, Gen, Heist, M/M, Team TARDIS more like Team Gay, Thasmin early days, Woke Ryan, bi!graham, fanzine prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabberdees/pseuds/Dabberdees
Summary: The Doctor drags her new friends into another heist, this time their goal is to steal back a stolen sacred Artefact, and to look cool doing it.





	Grand Theft Artefact

**Author's Note:**

> I'll drop a link here so you can see what formal wear I'm describing (https://imgur.com/ldDTHue)
> 
> There's a reference to Tosin's, Mandip's, and Bradley's IMDB pages in here, just names of previous characters they've played or roles they've done.

“That’s what we’re getting Fam.” The Doctor exclaimed, pointing at the holographic display within the hotel room they’re currently renting.

“Stealing.” Graham corrected her with crossed arms.

The Doctor turns to face him with a slight scrunched expression. “It’s more like borrowing really…”

“And never giving back Doc, so ergo, stealing.” Graham carried on with a wave if his hand. “Anyway, why are we the ones getting it?”

“Because no one else will Graham and it doesn’t belong here, not in this type of museum anyway. It’s a black market one, the collection here is either dangerous or someone was killed for it, and it’s all locked away for one person to look at.” The Doctor explained with a sad look, looking down at it. “The Artefact in question was taken from a defenceless planet, they deserve it back.”

“I ain’t arguing with that logic Doc, I’m just pointing out that we still are technically stealing it, and none of us are the type of people to blag a place.”

“To be fair Gramps, most of the stuff in our own museums are stolen,” Ryan said, causing both Yaz and Graham to look at him with puzzlement. “What? It’s true, half of it in there shouldn’t be there, it was stolen from other countries.”

Graham gives a slight shake of his head and holds a hand up. “No son stop, that I don’t doubt, us Brits had or have a nasty habit of going around and slapping down ‘Property of the British Empire’ signs on countries and things. Nah, what I’m surprised about is you knowing that.”

“I agree with him, you were never one for history in school Ryan.” Yaz pointed out. “What’s changed now?”

“I read up cause I thought it would be useful to know for our travels in the past and stuff.”

The Doctor beams at him. “Ten points to Ryan Sinclair for preparations and being right, you lot do have a habit of going round and claiming things that aren’t yours, it’s why we’re in this situation in the first place.”

Graham looks at her now, a minor frown on his face. “You saying Brits or Humans in general here Doc? Cause one is fair and true, the other is… what do you call it if it against an entire species?” He inquired looking at a stumped Yaz and Ryan.

The Doctor waves his question away and stares back down at the holographic display. “Not important at the moment Graham, this is and we need to go over the plan.”

“Ah yes, the ‘Plan’... enlighten us then Doc, what are we doing?” Graham’s eyes suddenly light up. “Ooh, am I the getaway driver?”

“No.” Graham looks disheartened. “Yaz is, well kinda.”

“I am?!” Yaz yelped.

Graham flicks his eyes to Yaz’ sudden panicked ones and nods. “Oh yeah, that makes sense I spose, cause you drive your police car with blues ‘n’ twos on Yaz.”

Yaz face relaxes only a tad. “Oh yeah, I guess, but still...”

“Also you’re a copper, we got to keep your hands as clean as possible,” Ryan added with a smirk while wiggling his fingers at her. “Can’t have Sheffield finest turning to crime now, can we?”

“I’m pretty sure my superiors aren’t going to know we stole something from the year 2167 Ryan.” Yaz frowned at him.

Ryan, still with a playful smirk on his face stares back at her. “Still you could get a taste for it, and the next thing we’ll know you’ll be on Crimewatch, police officer turns to crime, headline news in Sheffield.”

“Crimewatch was cancelled in 2017 son,” informed Graham from his side of the table.

The Doctor sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, this was a lot easier with Clara... “Fam, let’s get back onto the topic at hand, shall we? Time is ticking.” They nod and all gather around the table now, eyes straying to tools and weird looking devices that the Doctor laid out earlier in the day. All three end up staring at the four, bigger and softer looking packages before turning back to the Doctor when she starts to speak again.

“Yaz, you know your role and it’s less of a getaway driver and more of a gateway pilot because you’ll be flying a car and bringing it round to the back when you seize it.” The panicked look in Yaz’ eyes comes back again with full force which the Doctor notices. “You’ll be fine, out of you and the boys here, you’re the best at flying the TARDIS so a car from your future will not be an issue for you, and you’ll have my psychic paper to get the car from the valet.” The Doctor further encouraged her, causing the young woman to flush red which Ryan notices.

“Ain’t gonna argue with that Yaz,” said Ryan nudging Graham who nods after a moment. “Cause you had those private TARDIS flying lessons after all.” Graham turns to Ryan now and gently hits him on the arm to shut him up as Yaz glares at him with narrowed eyes, her face still beet red.

Ignoring her humans again the Doctor turns to Ryan. “Next is you, Ryan, you’re my lookout, gotta keep an eye on everything while I set about borrowing the Artefact.”

“Stealing.” reminded Graham causing them to turn to him again. “What?” He said with a shrug. “It’s true.”

Ryan ignoring his Grandad leans closer. “So lookout got it. At least I’m not a waiter or bartender, that wouldn’t go well.” He added. “Just got to watch over the Doctor, I can do that.”

"And help me find it when we enter the vault." The Doctor added on and Ryan gives her a thumbs up.

“So then, what about me Doc?” inquired Graham. “What am I doing?”

The Doctor looks up and gives him a scrutinising look, eyes running across him which causes him to shuffle from foot to foot with nerves.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’ll be the distraction.” The Doctor answered.

Graham frowns at her. “What does that mean? Am I ‘spose to yell fire or something?” She shakes her head at him. “Then what am I doing? I hope I don’t have to fake a heart attack or something.”

“No not that… You’re tasked to talk to our friend who stole the artefact Graham. Mr Saunders.”

“Wait, why am I doing that? I can’t lie and I’m hopeless at improv, really not the best choice for this Doc.” He looks back at Ryan. “Why can’t Ryan do it? He’s better than I am cause he remembers what he lied about.”

Ryan furrows his brows at Graham. “Not sure if I’m meant to take that as a compliment or a critique Gramps.”

Graham shrugs and smirks back at him. “Bit of column A, a bit of Column B I spose.” Ryan rolls his eyes just as Graham turns back to the Doctor when she speaks again.

“You’re better suited for it, Graham. Ryan isn’t and I need him to help me.”

“I don’t see how I could be though, you saw how I was back on that Dog planet with the wacky religion about me, I was hopeless.”

“I don’t need you to lie Graham… I just need you to talk to him, be yourself, you’re good at talking to people.” The Doctor suggested but her attention is locked onto the display now and avoiding his gaze. “You’ll fit in better as well…” She leaves something of the end, this part of the plan relies on Graham agreeing to it and she’s not so sure he will.

Graham narrows his eyes at her. “Are you saying that I have a dodgy dealer look to me? Cause that’s a bit harsh Doc.” Graham sulked. “I like to think I come across as a friendly looking guy.”

“No, that’s not it, particularly… but there is a certain appeal to you though that he’ll like.”

“What does that mean?” Graham probed further while Ryan and Yaz look between the pair, curious about where this is going.

“You have an accent that…” She drifts away at the end, realising that she’s digging herself into a bigger hole.

“Oh, so now my accent makes me sound like a thug then? Like some guy from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.”

“What?” The Doctor asked in a puzzled tone. “No Graham, that’s not it! He’ll just take a shining to you.” said the Doctor in an even vaguer tone laced with exasperation.

Graham furrows his brows at her, but there’s still an offended look mixed in with it. “No Doc, you lost me completely now.”

Ryan and Yaz, on the other hand, have now realised what the Doctor has been vaguely hinting at and look at each other, the former with a barely concealed smirk and the latter with a raised eyebrow.

The Doctor sighs and stares up at him, time to tell him outright. “You’re more his type Graham.”

Ryan leans down to Yaz. “Wait for it Yaz, it’ll click into place eventually. He’s just a little slow when it comes to this sort of thing, should’ve seen him with my Nan, the word painful doesn’t half cover it.” Ryan explained to Yaz in a whispered voice. 

Yaz gives him a nod but her eyes stay locked onto Graham’s face and they watch as Graham frowns deeper, his face changing into a series of different emotions pretty quickly before finally settling on realisation after a few seconds.

“Oh, that! Flirting, I get it now, you want me to flirt with him.”

“The penny finally drops, told you it would,” smirked Ryan in a very smug tone.

The Doctor pulls her famous ‘Polite Cat Expression’ as Ryan calls it and looks at Graham. “I understand if you feel uncom…”

Graham shakes his head. “Oh no, that ain’t it Doc… and it’s really not the first time that I’ve chatted a bloke up befo…” He trails off quickly and looks at the Doc and Yaz, seeing the instant inquisitive look on their faces. “Ah crap, I never told you, did I?”

“Told us what Graham?” Yaz and the Doctor asked at the same time and in perfect motion, both turning to consider the other with slight smiles on their faces.

Graham looks slightly awkward and proceeds to rock back on his heels with his own version of the Doc’s ‘Polite Cat Expression’. “Well… let’s just say that no one on the TARDIS is 100%... uh straight?” He finishes the sentence after a second of drawing the last word out, looking off-put by everyone staring at him. “I was meant to mention it…”

Yaz and the Doc blink at him, both lost for words while Ryan laughs. “Finally came out the closet then, eh Gramps?”

Graham turns and sighs his Grandson. “Shut up, you knew anyway! And I’ve technically been out, I just…” He waves a hand at the Doctor and Yaz. “...never told the Doc or Yaz cause I forgot, blame it on the old age or something,” Graham argued back at Ryan.

“Wait.. what?” stuttered Yaz. “Stop Graham, go back to what you said before. Not straight? Since when?”

Graham turns and shrugs at her. “Uh... the  _Eighties_? Look, in my defence, it ain’t never came up until now, and no one asked, you all just assumed cause I married Grace that I was straight, didn’t really think anyone would care to know to be fair.”

“Ryan knew?” Yaz asked, suddenly really interested in Graham’s personal life.

“Yeah and Grace, I mean she wasn’t even… look this ain’t really the issue at hand at the moment, is it?” said Graham looking back at the Doctor. “We got something to steal, I’ll tell you more back in the TARDIS.”

“He’s got a point Yaz, let’s put Graham’s sudden, and surprising revelation that I wouldn’t mind knowing more about, call it curiosity perhaps, aside for another time.” Said the Doctor before turning to him again. “Will you do it though Graham? Plan rides on it and I get it if you don’t or it goes against what you think is right because you’ll be playing a role, stringing him along..”

Graham considers it for a moment. “Ah sure, why not? You said all I gotta do is talk so I’ll be my usual charming self.” smiled Graham proudly. “And he’s a scumbag, right? No harm done really.” The Doctor nods. “It’s sorted then, no issue, my conscience is clear.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works Gra--”

“Great!” The Doctor interrupted Ryan, finally glad that she’s managed to wrangle them together, it’s like herding cats and it really was a lot easier with Clara. Oh, she should’ve called Psi, asked if he wanted in again. Taking her thoughts away from Psi, she reaches over and hands each of them their profiles. “These are your names if asked, remember them because I put a lot of effort into making them and I’d hate for that to be wasted.”

They accept and each read with Ryan looking up first. “Bastian, what sort of name is that?”

“One that’ll be believed, you’re a pilot under a... P. Dameron, a rebel in a war or something, it’ll make sense to people if asked.”

“If you’re sure,” Ryan muttered, turning to look back down at the profile again.

Graham looks up next. “Mine just says R. Brooks, what if they ask for my first name?”

“Just call yourself Brooks if they do Graham, you’re meant to blend in and the people in your ‘profession’ really don’t like giving their full names. So Brooks will be fine.”

Graham grumbles before nodding and looking over to Yaz. “What about you Yaz?”

“Phoebe McQueen,” Yaz answered. “Why that one Doctor?”

The Doctor smiles at her, causing the young woman to flush again. “It’s a nice name for a nice person who’s my best mate.”

Ryan looks at Graham and rolls his at the two women locked in a staring match with each other. It’s hard to miss it within the TARDIS. Truly they both must think he and his Gramps are blind.

Graham gives a knowing look back before leaning down on the table and speaking. “So Doc, if we got our own names to learn, what’s yours then?”

The Doctor reluctantly removes her eyes from Yaz’. “I’ll be John Smith.” Three things happen at once, Graham brings a hand to his head and sighs, Ryan blows out air through his lips and taps his leg, and Yaz shakes her head while looking to the floor. The Doctor frowns at her humans. “What’s wrong with John Smith Fam? It worked before.”

“Back when you said you were a White-Haired Scotsman?” The Doctor nods at Yaz’ comment. “It won’t really work now, well it could, don’t know what names are like in the future but it’ll draw attention… that’s all.”

“Oh okay…” The Doctor scrunched her face in thought. “What should I have then?”

Yaz looks to the boys who shrug and she sighs, great help guys, cheers, she thinks sourly. Racking her brain for anything she settles on the name of one of her first teachers. “What about Joan, Joan Smith? It’s nice and it’s like John.”

The Doctor places a hand against her mouth in consideration before looking back up at Yaz and grinning. “Joan it is! I’m Joan Smith.” She exclaimed moving her hands on her hips and standing proud.

Graham looks at the Doctor again. “So then, names sorted and roles given out, we ready to get a move on Doc?” inquired Graham leaning away from the console and looking towards the door. “Times ticking, right?”

The Doctor shakes her head and turns to the elephant in the room, well packages actually. “Not without these Fam.”

“What’s that then?” wondered Ryan reaching out and taking the one she’s handing him.

“Clothes, special fancy ones with built-in communicators so we can stay connected without being next to one another.” The Doctor informed them while handing over the other packages. “It’s a little clip that goes in your ear, completely undetectable, I had a long time to plan this.”

“How do you know our sizes?” probed Yaz with an apprehensive look.

“I ain’t sure I wanna find that out, Yaz love, best not to ask,” answered Graham looking over the package and then eyeing the bathroom. “Bagsy the bathroom first,” said Graham and without wasting time he heads in there.

It doesn’t take long for him to exit, looking comfortable and at home in his suit, a pure black one with a wine-red shirt and black waistcoat. “I always love an excuse to wear one of these, and look at the watch, it’s fancy! And it’s comfy.” rambled the Graham in a pleased tone. “But I’m not sure about the all black though, looks slightly... off-putting, and not me?”

The Doctor looks over to him with a scrutinizing look, her head inclined to one side.

“What’s that look for Doc? I put it on right, can get dressed you know.”

The Doctor gives a shake of her head. “That’s not it, undo the top button of the shirt and change your hair, you’re fitting in but you need to look more casual Graham, stand out a little better to everyone else around you. The black suit and shirt won’t be enough on its own, you need to look like you haven’t made an effort, or put much thought in it. That’ll draw his attention to you, make him wonder who doesn’t care enough to show proper respect.”

“Whoa, wait... that ain’t gonna get me killed though?”

“No, as I said you’re more his type. Just be yourself, Graham, remember your role though, it’s all in your profile.”

He gives her a nod and follows her advice in undoing the top button and awkwardly changing his hair. “Better?”

“Miles, you look like a proper criminal now!”

“Thanks, always wanted to look like one,” Graham replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“I’m next then,” said Ryan and he follows after his Grandad, taking a lot longer than he did and coming out looking slightly sheepish with his tie undone. His suit is a maroon affair, a black shirt and tie with a black silk inner texture. “Haven’t had to put a tie on since school, bit rusty.”

Graham gives him an encouraging smile and walks forward, only doing enough and letting Ryan finish the rest off. “You look, great son, really you do and your Nan would be proud.”

Ryan looks up and sees the raw emotion on his Grandad's face and can’t help the lump in his own throat. “Can’t see her being happy with what we’re doing though, the two men in her lives turning to crime.” He joked. “We’d never hear the end of it.”

Graham nods. “True, true, or she’ll be along right with us.”

Yaz and the Doctor can't help but smile at their extended family, months ago Ryan wouldn’t have allowed Graham at all to help him and look at them now, helping the other. They stop after a moment and turn to face the Doctor and Yaz, clearly feeling like they’ve been put in the spotlight.

Graham clears his throat. “One of you next.”

“Oh yeah, right.” The Doctor looks to Yaz and they do an awkward move at the same time. “You first Yaz.” offered the Doctor allowing the younger woman to enter first and she can’t help the butterflies that grow in her stomach, she chose her suit and it took her ages to do but she wanted to make it perfect for her.

Yaz doesn’t take as long as Ryan and they all look up when she exits, spotting her hair change, gone is the two buns on top of her head, replaced by a fringe now. They next turn their eyes to her suit.

“That’s TARDIS Blue.” Graham pointed out with a smirk, his eyes flicking to the Doctor glazed over expression.

“I suppose it is Graham,” Yaz replied looking down at herself and missing the look the Doctor is giving her. Her suit is completely blue with a black inlay like Ryan’s. She has a white shirt and black bow tie, which is currently undone around her neck. “I’ve never had to tie a bowtie before, need a hand with it.” She looks to Graham first.

“I can do it!” shouted the Doctor, giving no time for Graham to offer or do anything. “Bowties are cool, used to wear one because… well, they’re cool! Regardless of what Amy or River said. Oh, and Fezzes! Fezzes are cool, as you lot know.” She rambled off before making her way over to Yaz. The boys step back and watch the scene unfold before them with muttered whisperings that neither woman pick up on.

“You wore a bowtie before Doctor?” The Doctor nods, her hands brushing against the soft fabric with care, and occasionally touching Yaz’ warm neck.

“Used to, not me now, really.” The Doctor answered, her eyes getting lost as she stares into Yaz’ as her hands move with practised ease. “Back when I was The Chin.”

She completes the look and takes a step back, admiring the suit. “You look great Yaz, blue really suits you.”

Yaz feels a hot flush on her face again and she smiles back at the Doctor, the butterflies in her stomach reaching maximum. “Thank you, but you picked the suit, you have great taste Doctor.”

“Sorry to interrupt… this,” said Graham. “But you said we’re on a time frame and you still gotta get changed Doc.”

“Right, yeah.” murmured the Doctor giving one more look to Yaz before grabbing her own package and heading into the bathroom.

When she exits, all three humans turn to look at what she has on with familiarity. The suit this time, untattered and without burn marks, the main difference are the boots which fit her smaller feet now. The Doctor catches them all staring.

“Have I picked wrong?”

Yaz steps forward, eyes straying to every detail and noticing the low cut of the shirt. “No Doctor, you look… stunning.”

“And it helps that it doesn’t look like it’s gone through hell this time Doctor,” Ryan added.

“You look triffic I spose.” Graham teased, his face showing that he generally thinks she looks great though. “Us lot scrub up half decently, don’t we?” Graham said looking down at himself.

Yaz removes her eyes from the Doctor and smiles at Graham. “We do.”

“Graham’s right though, time is ticking and the event starts soon, we should head there now.” The Doctor informed them, giving a look at the holographic display and shutting it down with a buzz of her sonic. “You all know your roles, Ryan and I will get the artefact, Yaz will get the car for it and Graham-”

“Schmoozing, got it in one Doc, it’ll be fine, right?”

“I hope… yeah, it’ll be fine!” The Doctor replied as she makes her way to the door. “Let’s get a shift on Fam.”

**Author's Note:**

> I considered not making Graham Bi but then I went "Wait, I'm Biromantic, ain't no one straight on the Time Ship TARDIS."
> 
> Chapter Two is a third of the way done.


End file.
